In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
