Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
