yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
