i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
how drunk are you?
Several
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
