He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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