Your face is a jimmy john
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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