it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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