You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
