Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
