Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
