Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
