Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
