i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
