I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my shit smells like andre
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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