His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
