I should be sponsored by Trojan
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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