So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
