last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
