He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
