Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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