The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
