I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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