you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
