please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
