My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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