I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
