Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
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What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Your penis caused this!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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