I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
