david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
