I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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