he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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