I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
