i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
