A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
