took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
