Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
