Already got asked if we're dating
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
