He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
