Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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