She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
