I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
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I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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