he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Pants are for mortals
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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