the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
