Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just gift wrapped bread.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Be still, my beating vagina.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
