the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
