so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I should be sponsored by Trojan
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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