Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
