I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
