I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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