Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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