I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
