It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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