Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
