My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
