I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
