Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
