Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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