my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
