508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
